Lazy Dad's Guide to Everything

Happy (Not-Quite-Toronto-Style) Mustache Wednesday! Maybe I...

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 08:32:27 -0400

Happy (Not-Quite-Toronto-Style) Mustache Wednesday! Maybe I should head into the office, eh?

I went to a dumpling joint near my hotel for dinner, but I...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 20:57:34 -0400

I accidentally ordered the Beijing Style Noodles with pork at a dumpling joint.

The froyo at Menchies is pretty good.

I went to a dumpling joint near my hotel for dinner, but I accidentally didn’t order dumplings and ended up getting something called Beijing Style Noodles with pork. I guess it was awight. I suppose I should have realized what I was ordering when I told the waiter, I’ll have Beijing Style Noodles with pork, when what I meant to say was, I’ll have pork and chive dumplings. Oh well.

Afterward, I went for a walk and got some froyo at a local froyo joint. It was pretty good, but the best part was the super-kawaii spoon.

I sorta miscalculated my food choices today. I guess there’s always tomorrow, amirite?

After the ginormous Tower of Babel burger I had for lunch, I...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 18:54:56 -0400

After the ginormous Tower of Babel burger I had for lunch, I pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon feeling like a giant pile of crap, so after work I went to the hotel gym for a quik-e workout. The gym at the hotel is awight and the indoor pool is nice, but the entire fitness center was largely populated by obnoxious tourists who wouldn’t STFU.

I ended up having the gym (mostly) to myself after the unwashed hordes left to get their eat on.

I realized that it’s not that I dislike most people, I just don’t like people who are loud. It’s like my ear holes are either super-sensitive or not sensitive enough, and a volume beyond level four makes me feel like cutting a bitch.

I wonder what I should have for dinner?

I dunno why, but there seems to be bulletin boards and poster...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 16:59:41 -0400

I dunno why, but there seems to be bulletin boards and poster kiosks all over the streets of Toronto. Maybe I just don’t notice shizz like this in other cities? In Toronto, at least, the signage on bulletin boards and the graffiti on the walls kinda blur together. Which is to say, everything reads like propaganda, albeit very polite propaganda.

The Bossman took me and another busy business lady colleague to...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:50:39 -0400

It's hard to tell, but the burger was the size of my head.

This is what the Tower of Babel looks like before you smash it down so that it fits in your face hole.

The Bossman took me and another busy business lady colleague to grab a quik-e takeaway lunch at a nearby burger joint. Apparently the place just opened its new location near our office a few weeks ago, so peeps in the neighborhood are going apeshizz over the crazy-yum burgers.

While the mere plebeians ordered from the regular menu, the Bossman ordered from the super-secret menu, which offers a burger called the Tower of Babel, a double-cheeseburger with a fried portobello mushroom between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Plus, we also had milkshakes.

That shizz was as good as it sounds! But I was only able to finish half of it. I need a nap now.

When I was walking to my office this morning, I spied a cool...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:46:07 -0400

When I was walking to my office this morning, I spied a cool public art exhibit by a super-cool Chinese artist that was being set up in the reflecting pool at Nathan Phillips Square, outside of Toronto City Hall. It’s part of a larger exhibit of Ai Weiwei’s work at the Art Gallery of Ontario. Neato!

While I was waiting outside of my office for a cab, minding my...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:04:27 -0400

The Weeping Tiger isn't technically made of tiger. It's actually marinated flank steak with a super-spicy dipping sauce.

The sticky coconut rice with mango was super-yum!

While I was waiting outside of my office for a cab, minding my own beeswax, I spied a bunch of my busy business lady colleagues looking pretty messed up. Like, there was blood and dirt on their faces and on their clothes, and some of them looked like they hadn’t slept for days. But I figured they’re Canadian, eh, so maybe they were just coming back from their local Fight Club or something.

Turns out a group of them were headed to the premiere of some movie that Angelina Jolie’s husband is in. I forgot that there was a stipulation for anypony who wanted to attend the movie that they had to dress up like zombies. Which really isn’t a stretch for most of my Canadian busy business lady colleagues.

I’m kidding! Only half of my Canadian busy business lady colleagues look like undead zombies, while the other half look like extras from Fight Club, or like extras from Strange Brew, which is pretty much the same thing, amirite?

After I checked into my hotel room, I went to grab a quik-e dinner at a nearby Thai joint. This month the place has a special Chili Festival Menu, which I suppose means they’re celebrating Scoville Heat Units, which is both adorbz and so totally Canadian. For my main course I ordered something called Weeping Tiger (yum!) and for dessert I had sticky coconut rice with mango (double yum!).

Later, I went for walk around the neighborhood and tried to avoid the crazy homeless people. Gosh, there is a surprisingly high number of homeless peeps around these parts.

Hey, by any chance do you fly into Vegas last night and do some grocery shopping at Wal Mart because if you didn't, then I'm pretty sure you have a twin. I had to do a double take! Lol.

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 17:35:43 -0400

OMFG!!! I was totally at the Walmart in Las Vegas last night doing some grocery shopping, but I didn’t think anypony would recognize me because I was totes trying to be all incognito and shizz!!! Plus, aren’t all y’all Las Vegas peeps constantly drunk, like, 24/7, so who would know, amirite? No judgment.

I figured since Las Vegas Is Nowhere Near Where I Live or Nowhere Near Where I Was Going, I might as well take a 3,000 mile detour and pick up a few items at the Walmart in Las Vegas!

The good news is the Walmart in Las Vegas is obvs the best place in the entire country to find the lowest prices and stuff!!!

The bad news is that there was totes this other super-glamorous dude who was pretending to be me, and he was all, “I’m gonna steal some shizz from this Walmart in Las Vegas and blame the crime on lazy dad!!!” Which is exactly what he did!!!

And then the security guards at the Walmart in Las Vegas couldn’t tell who was who because they suffered from Asian-peeps-facial blindness!!! And even though fake lazy dad and I did a Lipsync for Your Life to Robyn’s Dancing on My Own (which, BTW, fake lazy dad totes failed and I totes nailed!!!), I still couldn’t convince the security guards at the Walmart in Las Vegas that fake lazy dad was the real thief and I was just innocently picking up some ice cream and shizz!!!

So the security guards at the Walmart in Las Vegas made me wear a sign and stand in front of the Walmart in Las Vegas for, like, six hours, professing that I was a thief who stole from the Walmart in Las Vegas, when I was totes innocent and stuff!!! Meanwhile, fake lazy dad was all, “Hahahaha!!! It’s a good thing that All Asians Look Same and stuff!!!”

Jeez, I’ve been trying to forget about what happened last night at the Walmart in Las Vegas!!! Thanks for reminding me, sheesh!!!

Because my company is based in Canada, eh, my busy business lady...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 16:14:33 -0400

Mogwai are cute and stuff, but don't get them wet or feed them after midnight because of reasons.

I had to rewrite the old Chinese dude's instructions because I'm pretty sure the Bossman doesn't read Chinese.

Because my company is based in Canada, eh, my busy business lady colleagues will sometimes ask me to receive packages for them in the States (or in another city), and then ~~smuggle~~ bring it to them when I’m back in town.

When I was in Montréal last week, I got a voice message from my boss telling me that an old Chinese dude was going to drop off a package for him, and would I be OK with transporting said package from Montréal to New York and then to Toronto? And I was all, Whatevs, partly because I’ll pretty much do whatever the Bossman tells me to do (within limits, obvs), but mostly because the Bossman is sort of nuts and the anarchist in me thinks it’s fun to see how far things will go.

So last week as I was leaving my office in Montréal to catch my flight home, I met an old Chinese dude in the lobby. Old Chinese dude said to me, “Only three rules! No get wet! No show to light! No feed past midnight!!” And then the old Chinese dude handed me a package, and disappeared into a cloud of ether.

Since the Bossman has a habit of sending me on wild goose chases, I didn’t think much about the old Chinese dude or the package, so I took the thing back with me to New York, and then brought it here to Toronto.

Seriously guys, sometimes my life as a super-glamorous globetrotting busy business lady is a lot like a 1980s comedy horror flick, only without the homicides and stuff, obvs.

One of the things I’ve come to loathe tolerate about...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 11:08:00 -0400

One of the things I’ve come to ~~loathe~~ tolerate about international busy business lady business travel is the crazy amount of times I pass through customs. It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to recognize various and sundry customs agents, which is a scary prospect. I’m pretty sure they don’t recognize me, though, partly because All Asians Look Same, obvs, but mostly because my ever-changing hurr did is totes confusing, even to peeps without Asian-peeps-facial blindness.

I’ve discovered that customs agents are a sad and subversive lot. I’m sorry that they’re sad and stuff, but I’m happy that they are subversive. Take for instance: the line of questioning from customs agents seems to be getting increasingly strange. Sure, they’ll ask the usual shizz, like, Why are you here? What do you do for a living? What’s the name of your company? Where are you staying? Etc.

This morning as I was going through customs, the agent asked me the usual litany of Very Important Homeland Security Questions, but then she added a few more for good measure. Here’s a transcript of our convo:

Lady customs agent: What brings you to Toronto?
Lazy dad: Business? Um, I’m here for some meetings?
Lady customs agent: What do you do?
Lazy dad: Um, I work for a design consultancy?
Lady customs agent: Where is your office?
Lazy dad: Downtown?
Lady customs agent: And where are you staying?
Lazy dad: At a hotel?
Lady customs agent: And how are you getting to the hotel?
Lazy dad: Um, I’m going into the office first, then I’m taking a cab to the hotel?
Lady customs agent: And what are you planning to have for dinner?
Lazy dad: Um, I dunno, maybe Thai food?
Lady customs agent: And what do you like to do for fun?
Lazy dad: Um, I dunno, eat and stuff?
Lady customs agent: And do you like water sports?
Lazy dad: Um, excuse me?
Lady customs agent: Like waterskiing and such?
Lazy dad: Um, I guess? Should I?
Lady customs agent: Do you have any cigarettes or liquor to declare?
Lazy dad: Um, no? Should I?
Lady customs agent: Does your nose bleed all the time?
Lazy dad: Um, I guess? Sometimes?
Lady customs agent: You might want to get a tissue. You got red on you.
Lazy dad: OK?

The end.

I dunno why but I’m totes pooped this morning. It’s...

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 07:15:40 -0400

I dunno why but I’m totes pooped this morning. It’s not as if I’ve already been up for three hours or anything, sheesh. I think I shoulda had a second cup of coffee.

Last night, the boy insisted that I tap him vigorously enough so that he’d wake up, so against my better judgment, I did. I told him I was leaving for a few days and I hoped he had a great week.

The boy was all, “Why did you wake me up? I’m tired.” And I was all, Then go back to sleep, yo! And the boy was all, “Is it tomorrow yet?” And then he immediately fell back to sleep. Kids.

Throughout the day, the boy added the phrase, “Happy...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 21:55:35 -0400

Throughout the day, the boy added the phrase, “Happy Father’s Day,” to everything he said. So he’d say, “Can I have some more japchae noodles, Happy Father’s Day!” Or, “I’m not ready for a bath yet, Happy Father’s Day!” It was totes adorbz-slash-slightly deranged. Ergo, he’s obvs my kid.

As I was tucking the boy into bed, he said, “Dad, every day should be Father’s Day!” And I said, In our house, every day is pretty much Father’s Day because daddy and I get to be your fathers. And the boy said, “It’s Father’s Day times two! I’m lucky!” And I said, No, we’re the lucky ones.

Then the boy said, “I just want to watch YouTube for five more minutes before bedtime, Happy Father’s Day!” And I said, You can watch YouTube for 10 more minutes!

How did the Busy-Lazy boys celebrate acknowledge Father’s...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 19:37:00 -0400

How did the Busy-Lazy boys ~~celebrate~~ acknowledge Father’s Day you might ask?

Busy daddy spent the day twerking his yoga moves at some ashram in Philadelphia.
The boy spent (most of) the day playing Minecraft.
Regular lazy pup spent the day napping, while mini lazy pup spent the day having a nervous breakdown.
I spent the day cleaning house and doing laundry.

But the glamour didn’t stop there!

Lazy uncle and his pal, Chillaxed Dan, came out to the suburbs and we all went out for all-you-can eat Korean BBQ buffet for lunch!
Then we went to the Korean market to buy some provisions!
Then we bought two more vicious fishes for the boy’s new aquarium!
Then I made a traditional Hawaiian Father’s Day dinner that consisted of: kalua pork, Spanish rice, japchae, garlic broccoli, and pickled daikon!
Then lazy uncle and Chillaxed Dan watched the boy play Minecraft!
Then we had Belgium milk chocolate gelato for dessert!
Then I washed dishes and cleaned house some more!
Then lazy uncle and I called our father to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and our father was all, “Who is this?”
Then I gave the boy an early bath!
Then I packed for my next busy business lady business trip!

Our fierce, super-gay Father’s Day was as subversive and insidious as it sounds!!! Oh yeah, I also worked out some details on my plot for world domination, NBD, so it was pretty much like any other day.

Hope all y’all had a great Father’s Day!

For Father’s Day, the boy made me and busy daddy a...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 14:54:09 -0400

For Father’s Day, the boy made me and busy daddy a popsicle-stick nest for candy and stuff. Apparently the boy felt that the candy would be better in his own tummy instead of ours, so he took the candy. I guess it’s the thought that counts, amirite?

The boy’s guppies seem to be settling quite nicely into...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 17:15:48 -0400

The boy’s guppies seem to be settling quite nicely into their new abode. It’s been awhile since I’ve had an aquarium, so I have no idea what these vicious fishes are supposed to be doing. Is it normal for guppies to spend most of their time hanging out at the bottom of the tank? Should we be playing with them or something?

I asked the boy what he wanted to name the guppies, and the boy said, “The little one’s name is Newty and the big one’s name is Captain Underwear.” Thankfully we’re not giving the boy naming rights for his new brother or sister, otherwise he or she might end up with a name like Princess Fartface. I’m kidding! Princess Fartface is a perfectly acceptable middle name for a boy or a girl. In fact, it’s No. 6 on our list of possible middle names for kid No. 2, obvs!

With busy daddy out of town this weekend for a Yoga Retreat,...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 15:51:34 -0400

With busy daddy out of town this weekend for a Yoga Retreat, it’s just me and the boy for the next few days. I had Big Plans to go swimming with the boy at the Uppityville pool after my workout with my trainer Fake Chris, but the boy said he’d rather stay at home and play Minecraft.

Since I wasn’t going to convince the boy that swimming would be fun, we ended up running a few errands instead:

We had Vietnamese eats for lunch, which was yum, as per usual.
Then we went to Costco is exchange a defective hard drive I bought there a few weeks back.
Then we went to Target to pick up a few provisions.
Then we went to Whole Foods to pick up some more provisions.

I’m pretty sure it’s Bring Your Moron to Your Retail Job Day because all the peeps we dealt with at every store we went to today were morons. Whatevs.

Lately the boy has been doing this weird head rolling-slash-head shaking thing. It’s kinda like he’s jamming to some imaginary song that only he can hear. Unsurprisingly, the boy’s weird head rolling-slash-head shaking thing is driving me bonkers. I told him that if he continued to do that weird head rolling-slash-head shaking thing, his noggin would be forever stuck in a semi-seizure.

The boy was all, “That’s not true! How do you know?” And I said, Because I’m the dad. And the boy was all, “No, I’m the dad!” And I was all, Um, I’m older than you, so I’m the dad.

And the boy was all, “I’m feel like I’m at least 37-years-old, so I’m the dad!” Then I was all, Obvs, you’ve been doing that weird head rolling-slash-head shaking thing for so long that your brain has dislodged from your skull and you’re having delusions of grandeur. And the boy was all, “Dad, you’re having illusions of grand chairs!”

Then I was all, I rest my case.

Oh, and we got some cakepops from Whole Foods, you know, for shizz and giggz.

Since school is starting to wind down for the boy, his classroom...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 22:32:09 -0400

Since school is starting to wind down for the boy, his classroom is shedding some of its ~~crap~~ edumacational tools. Earlier this week, the boy’s teacher sent a note home letting parents know that she was giving away guppies from the classroom aquarium and if we wanted some, they’d be ours for the taking.

The boy requested two guppies, and this afternoon he came home with a pair in a Chinese soup takeaway container. At first I thought we’d just keep them in there, but apparently you’re supposed to keep fish in an aquarium and such. So after dinner, the boy and I stopped by the local Pet Emporium to purchase a new home for the newest additions to the Busy-Lazy household.

The boy selected the decor, while I paid for the shizz. I think it looks pretty swell—maybe a little too swell for the sad, bland-looking guppies we received. We might have to give those vicious fishes a Dragulator makeover because they look seriously busted. How come the boy’s school didn’t fork over the fierce, pink neon guppies instead of the meh ones?

Busy daddy had a yoga class after work, as per usual, so it was...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 20:48:12 -0400

The boy had pasta with butter and cheese, which he said was yum!

I had Steak Diane, which was yum!

Busy daddy had a yoga class after work, as per usual, so it was just me and the boy for dinner tonight. Since I was out of town for the past few days, I didn’t really feel like cooking dinner, so I asked the boy what he wanted to eat. The boy said, “Cheesecake Factory!” And I said, Well, it’s probably gonna be crowded there, do you have a second choice? And the boy said, “Vietnamese noodles!” And I said, It’s probably gonna be crowded there, too.

After some debate, we decided to go to The Cheesecake Factory at the Uppityville Mall since we’ll probably have Vietnamese eats over the weekend. Even though it was a cluster fudge of Uppityville patrons looking to get their cheesecake on, we were actually seated fairly quickly, so I call it a win.

The boy said, “I haven’t been here for, like, five years!” And I was all, Yeah, it’s probably been more like 10 years since you’ve been here! And the boy was all, “But I wasn’t even born 10 years ago!” And I was all, You’re not the only person in our family who has a way with hyperbole.

Then the boy was all, “What’s high-purple-y?” And I was all, It’s when you make exaggerated statements like you haven’t been to The Cheesecake Factory in five years, when we were here just a few weeks ago. And the boy was all, “But it’s true!” And I was all, I know!!! And the boy was all, “I can’t ever tell if you’re joking or not.” And I was all, I know!!!

Almost six years ago to the day, busy daddy and I took the boy...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:10:36 -0400

Almost six years ago to the day, busy daddy and I took the boy on our first family vacation. Ever since then, the boy has been a really easy traveler, flying and vacationing like a pro.

Before we adopted the boy, I used to joke to busy daddy that one of the small pleasures in life that I hoped to instill in our kids is the joys of room service. Nowadays, when we’re on the vacation, if we ask the boy if he wants to go out to eat, he’ll say, “Nah, let’s just order room service. It’s so much easier!”

I’ve taught the boy well.

Turns out there were Major Storms in the Tri-State area all day,...

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 23:07:17 -0400

Turns out there were Major Storms in the Tri-State area all day, which caused Major Flight Delays throughout the northeast region. Who knew? Because the skies were clear and sunny in Montréal. Leave it to Canada to look on the bright side of life.

As expected, Newark Airport was a cluster fudge of angry travelers who missed their connecting flights. As soon as my flight landed, all the peeps descended on the hapless ticketing agents at the United customer service counter. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes tonight.

I arrived at Pierre Elliott Trudeau Airport at 2:30 PM this afternoon and didn’t get home until well past 10:30 PM. It’s like I spent an entire workday either at the airport or on the runway or in the air.

The only consolation was that I was supposed to have an aisle seat on the teeny-tiny commuter plane. I say supposed to because when I boarded, this jerky, self-entitled geriatric dude insisted that he had the aisle seat, when clearly it was assigned to me. He played the “I’m old and I don’t speak English” card, which pissed me off. Listen Grandpa Douchebag, I can play that card, too. Except for the being 100-years-old part, I could totes play the “I don’t speak English” card.

After a futile attempt to explain to Grandpa “No Speak English” Uppitypants that seat 12C (my seat) was the aisle seat, while 12D (his seat) was window seat, I gave up. I would have let it go, but then Grandpa Dickface said to me, “Short flight, doesn’t matter where sit.” And I was all, Fuck you, asswipe. The flight could be 10-minutes long and I’d still want to sit in the seat that was assigned to me. There are rules and stuff. Sheesh.

Then halfway through the flight, as I was looking out the window, minding my own beeswax, Grandpa Moronface said to me, “You want change seat, we change seat.” And I’m all, Are you fucking kidding me? Why would I change seats now when the flight is halfway done?

I realized in that moment that all of my years of hating travel wasn’t so much because of the travel part, which is awight, it’s the having to deal with assholes who think they deserve stuff and can break the rules just because they want to.

For the record, Grandpa Barf-face wasn’t decrepit, nor was he incapacitated in any way. My issues with him weren’t that he was old (because some of my best friends are old and stuff) or that he didn’t speak English (because I barely can speak English myself), it was his arrogance and unfounded sense of entitlement.

As we were deplaning, I tripped Grandpa Colostomy-Bag so that he did a faceplant in the jetway. I’m kidding! The old geezer was wearing a diaper, not a colostomy bag, silly!