Since last Tuesday, I’ve been carrying around a dossier of papers from our disrupted adoption as well as dozens of pics of our temporary daughter. I’m not really sure why I’ve kept these (now useless) things with me instead of filing them away in my home office.
I suppose there’s still a small part of me that’s not quite ready to let go of my temporary daughter. And really, I’m not sure that I ever want to forget her. Do I? But I know it’s not healthy for me to hang on to this stuff (at least not in my work bag). Honestly, I haven’t looked at any of the paperwork. But I do look at the photographs. Maybe I look at them a little bit too much. Am I trying to find a clue to why things transpired the way that they did? I wish I could share the pics with you. She is a beautiful little girl.
In five short days, I took nearly 400 photographs. Perhaps in my heart I knew this was just a temporary thing, so I wanted to document every single moment, to
prove remind myself that it wasn’t all a dream. I like to think that I would have taken that many photographs even if we brought our the baby home.
I’m in a much better place today than I was yesterday. And better still than from the day before, etc. What’s the typical period of mourning for situations like this? I wish there was some kind of chart or infographic that could explain where I should be in my process and how I should feel today.
I guess I feel OK. I’ve decided to let go and put away the papers and the photographs. For such a small package, it’s been a heavy load to carry.
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- asimpledad said: Thanks for sharing. Take your time and the process of healing will eventually come.
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- mywildloves said: Every one of these posts makes me tear up. My heart hurts for you and I really hope that you find peace soon. However impossible that might be. I cant imagine how you must be feeling.
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- ourtwolittlemonkeys said: Just breathing with you now. Wishing there was something to say, but know that there really isn’t anything.
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- hawaiianmommy said: Is there a typical period of mourning for anything really? Even the five stages of grief don’t necessarily play out in order. I say more gelato is the stage you’re in right now.
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- fullydomesticated said: I don’t think there is a typical timeline for mourning such a loss. Be good to yourself. Some days will be harder than others, but hopefully the days will get easier as time goes on. <3
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