Lazy Dad's Guide to Everything

Late in the afternoon, mini lazy pup had an existential crisis.

I said, What’s wrong, mini lazy pup? And he was all, “You know what’s wrong.” I said, Actually, I don’t know, tell me. And mini lazy pup said, “Lazy pup told me what you wrote about me on your stupid blog.” And I said, What? And mini lazy pup said, “I don’t just watch E! and Fox News all day! Sometimes I watch Spike and G4.” Then lazy pup said, “You’re being too sensitive.” And mini lazy pup said, “No I’m not!”

Then lazy pup said, “Sheesh, lazy dad was just joking. He doesn’t think you’re a moron.” Mini lazy pup said, “I’m not a moron!” And lazy pup said, “Scratch that, lazy dad called you an idiot.” Mini lazy pup said, “That’s not any better!” Then I said, But I said you were adorable and stuff… And lazy pup added, “If you read more than just US Weekly, or maybe watched The History Channel or switched to MSNBC, then maybe we’d be able to take you a little bit more seriously…” Mini lazy pup said, “I’m not a robot like the rest of you! I hate this family!”

Then I said, Who wants a carrot? And mini lazy pup said, “What? There are carrots? Where?” And lazy pup said, “Only dogs who read The New York Times get carrots…” And mini lazy pup said, “I pee on your New York Times Sunday magazine, you elitist snob!” And lazy pup said, “Carrots are for closers!” And mini lazy pup said, “Don’t go all Glengarry Glen Ross on me!” And lazy pup said, “What?” And mini lazy pup said, “You heard me! You’re not the only dog in this house who was forced read David Mamet!” And lazy pup said, “Oh snap. You win.”

Then I said, Who wants carrots? And mini lazy pup said, “What? There are carrots? Where?”