July 2011
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June 2011
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Why Siblings Matter to Kids
I have the world’s greatest little brother. He’s actually taller than I am now and could probably kick my ass, but he will always and forever be my little brother.
Coming from a big family, it was easy to get lost in the shuffle. I spent the first half of my childhood as the youngest in a first set of kids, and then as the oldest to a second set of kids. From oldest to youngest...
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An Open Letter to Followers of Lazy Dad's Guide
First, let me say thank you for following my silly little Tumblr blog. Second, I’ll add that you look fabulous, really, you do.
For those of you just tuning in to the program, welcome to Lazy Dad’s Guide to Everything. I’m sorry if the title of my blog is misleading. I don’t mean it to be. For those of you who know me in real life, you already know that the title of my...
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Rainy Days and Wednesdays
Lots of people approach Monday with a sense of dread. For me, the cruelest day has always been Wednesday because it was the hardest, busiest day of the week for me as a kid. Now that I’m a dad, I’m worried that I’m passing along my loathing of Wednesdays to my own over-scheduled son.
Growing up, I was one of those kids who was constantly overscheduled. After a full day of...
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Lazy Dad's Guide to Getting Inked or The Zen of...
Save for a minor teenage dalliance with getting inked, I am (admittedly) a late-comer to the tattooed-masses party. But since the arrival of my son, I’ve been obsessively making up for lost time.
Like lots of people, I didn’t give much thought to my first tattoo. When you’re young, it’s easy to be cavalier about the stupid things that you willingly do to your own body....
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Pre-School Body Art
The boy: I like your tattoos.
Lazy dad: Thanks.
The boy: Can I get a tattoo? A real one, not a baby one.
Lazy dad: The rule is no tattoos until you're 40. Then you can do whatever you want.
The boy: Pleeaasse!
Lazy dad: What kind of tattoo would you want?
The boy: Ninjas! No, a Stormtrooper!
Busy daddy: That's why you can't get a tattoo when you're young because you'll put something stupid...
The boy: A Stormtrooper tattoo isn't stupid, it's super-duper cool...
Busy daddy: ...permanently on your body that you'll regret when you're older.
The boy: What's regret?
Busy daddy: When you do something that you'll feel badly about later.
The boy: I will always want a Stormtrooper tattoo permma-mently on my body.
Lazy dad: Let's have this conversation again in 36 years.
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Lazy dad qualitative study confirms: exercise...
I’ve always been kind of wary of two kinds of people: those who are exceptionally tall and those who are painfully thin. Obviously, super-tall people can’t do anything about their height, so they are absolved of any wrongdoing. Chinky god bless them for being so freakin’ tall. But super-thin people, that’s an entirely different story.
If the Chinky gods wanted us all to...
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Pre-School Secrets
The boy: Dad, I only tell my secrets to you.
Dad: OK. Why's that?
The boy: Because you're good at keeping secrets.
Dad: OK. What about daddy or the nanny? You tell them secrets sometimes, right?
The boy: I tell them secrets, but I don't tell them real secrets.
Dad: What kind of secrets do you tell them?
The boy: I tell them secrets that everybody knows. I only tell you things that no else knows.
Dad: OK. That's nice.
The boy: Dad, can I tell you a secret?
Dad: Sure. What is it?
The boy: But you can't tell daddy or anyone else...
Dad: OK. I promise.
The boy: [redacted]
Dad: That's very interesting. I promise not to tell anyone.
The boy: Thanks. I know you won't.
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Other People's Kids
Via Ukraine has a good post about how some moms can’t stop yammering on about their own kids and constantly try to one-up each other through the “achievements” of their babies. I think all parents can sympathize with this psycho-dynamic. It seems like lots of parents go out of their way to make sure that everyone (friend or stranger) knows how great (or awful) their kids are....
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Pre-School Existentialism, Part 2
The boy: Why don't people last very long?
Dad: I don't know what you mean...
The boy: People get old and then they're gone. Why?
Dad: It's hard to explain.
The boy: Please try to explain to me. How come old people get gone?
Dad: Well sometimes when people get very sick or very old they go away.
The boy: Why?
Dad: Well ... it's important to be healthy...
Daddy: That's why we always tell you to eat your vegetables and exercise and get plenty of sleep.
The boy: If I'm healthy I won't get gone?
Dad: Everyone goes away eventually.
The boy: Why?
Dad: Let's get something to eat!
The boy: OK.
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The Boy's Top 10 iPod Playlist
10. Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
9. Love at First Sight, Kylie Minogue
8. Bad Luck, Social Distortion
7. Hey Soul Sister, Train
6. Movement, LCD Soundsystem
5. Ray of Light, Madonna
4. Freedom of Choice, Devo
3. Everybody Everybody, Black Box
2. That’s My Favorite Color, The Ethels
1. Firework, Katy Perry
I’m sure you can guess which tunes were influenced by busy daddy...
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Top 10 Chinkies That Lazy Dad Is Most Often...
10. The Chinese takeout delivery guy
9. Dustin Nguyen from 21 Jump Street
8. John Cho from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
7. Your one Asian friend from high school
6. Jackie Chan from whatever he does
5. Your doctor
4. Your dentist
3. The office IT guy
2. Bobby Lee from Mad TV
1. Connie Chung
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Hip to Be Square
I don’t remember the exact moment when I started thinking that my parents were uncool, but I do recall the moment when I realized how cool they were (and are), and it was when I become a parent myself.
Like lots of ungrateful immigrant kids whose parents sacrificed everything to give us a better life, I spent most of my teens and 20s completely turned off and embarrassed by my parents. I...
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“I was like, ‘It took two hours to get my bowl of noodles and now...”
– The boy, on the drive home, retelling his exchange with the hapless restaurant hostess at busy daddy’s disastrous b-day dinner.
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Write What You (Don't) Know
Back in college, my professors often used to ding my work because they felt I was breaking the first rule of Creative Writing Fight Club: “Write what you know.” By their learned estimations, my stories and plays weren’t written in my “authentic voice” simply because what I wrote wasn’t “gay” enough or “Asian” enough for my...
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The Closing Window
On our first official date, busy daddy said he wanted to marry me and adopt some kids together as soon as possible. I was completely taken aback. After all, I barely knew him (we were originally set up on a blind date by a mutual friend), he wasn’t exactly my type (back then he was a little too East Village-y and artsy-fartsy for my old-school preppy tastes), and did I mention that I...
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